A few filthy five-liners.
MineA backup plan
A lesbian hooker from Nunavut Enjoyed having sex, yes, a ton of it. And when none of the chicks Would give her her fix She would play with herself for the fun of it. ---------------------- A fairy tale ending The gift that we gave her was grand She no longer relied on her hand On the sofa sat Alice With vibrating phallus And Alice was in Wonderland. ---------------------- A strict vagitarian A lesbian girl, to be blunt Thinks that cocksucking is an affront To her tastes. Says the dyke: "It's just not what I like Were I straight, then I would, but I cun't." ---------------------- A typical marriage It’s late and I’m lusty and lewd Can I play with my wife in the nude? My request she rejects For she doesn’t want sex “Not tonight, dear – I’m not in the mood.” ---------------------- A-flatus There once was a man from Jakarta Who was known as a terrible farta Every burst of methane Was loudly profane And the stink, no one wanted a parta. ---------------------- Ascension Deficit Disorder All men have a gherkin to jerk Most find that their jerkin’s a perk But woe to the guys Who can’t make it rise And find that their gherkin won’t work. ---------------------- Baad boy A woman from Kalamazoo Whose sexual cravings were few Drove her boyfriend to keep Having sex with his sheep And he'd tell her, "I'll always love ewe." ---------------------- Bareback riding There once was a woman from Morse Whose lover was hung like a horse So she is, you could say In her own special way An equestrian rider, of course. ---------------------- Better with age There once was an old man who'd dine On pussy; he thought it divine When some were outraged They said "Sir, act your age!" He replied, "I do. I'm 69!" ---------------------- Boned. James Boned. There once was a young British spy Who thought he would give men a try He'd often had women This time, let a him in - The cock up his crack made him cry. ---------------------- Boogity boogity The man would appear in a flash And across any venue, would dash People thought him unique And they called him "The Streak" But with Ethel, he sure made a splash. ---------------------- By the boatload I've heard of a hooker named Leeman It's said that she fucks like a demon And she causes commotion For, just like the ocean She's often seen swallowing se(a)men. ---------------------- Can I buy a bowel? So now that I’m older, I tend To lose my shit, out my rear end And since there’s a chance That I’ll poop in my pants That means on Depends I depend. ---------------------- Click for a big dick Oh, when will the spam ever end? They promise their product they’ll send They call me by name While touting the claim In my junk mail: “Your junk we’ll extend!” ---------------------- Couldn't Finnish what he started There once was a man from Helsinki Who went to the bar for a drinki He downed many a glass And he picked up a lass But he couldn't give rise to his dinki. ---------------------- Curves A girl I once met at a rave Was sad 'cause her tits were concave She'd have plenty of sex If her tits were convex Because that's what the fellas all crave. ---------------------- Dinner AND dessert I once met a whore in New York On her period. Paid her to pork And what poured from her poon I would eat with a spoon But I ate all the crabs with a fork. ---------------------- Drink every drop I say oral sex is quite hollow If my partner refuses to swallow If the ink from my dink Winds up in the sink There's no furious fucking to follow. ---------------------- Egg-dropped soup I took home a girl to disrobe her But before I decided to probe her I positioned my head Near her cunt, where it bled On the hunt for the red, in October. ---------------------- He's a giver There once was a fellow, the owner Of a rather obscenely large boner He willed it to science In perfect compliance As a registered sex organ donor. ---------------------- He's qualified A studemt who went to UMass Was ranked at the head of his class He wished to be POTUS His skill he then showed us By sticking his head up his ass. ---------------------- Heavy petting I know a young girl from Vancouver So fat a bulldozer can't move her And although she may Not be much of a lay Let me tell you, she sucks like a Hoover. ---------------------- Hope the title adz something A king once believed it was good To lay all the ladies he could Inside of his palace But even Cialis Could not help the shape of his wood. ---------------------- Inverse, perverse, and in verse There once was a man from Winnipeg Who got caught with his dick in a guinea pig He felt so perverted His penis inverted His outie peg now is an innie peg. ---------------------- Just following orders They played “Jump”, and I jumped. What a scene! Then “The Twist”, and I twisted. It’s been Quite an evening, no doubt But I then was thrown out When the DJ played “Come on Eileen.” ---------------------- Misfits A young epileptic from Turkey Whose prospects for dating were murky One day was in luck But when they tried to fuck Hanky-panky was all herky-jerky. ---------------------- Mulva There once was a girl named Dolores Whose bush was a densely packed forest But then the entire Thing went up in fire And burned up her lovely clitoris. ---------------------- My wurst limerick There once was a woman named Kirstin Who told me that I could be first in I started with foreplay Till she said "No more play, I need you to put your bratwurst in." ---------------------- Mystic and trystic My magic shows started at six But no one showed up, nada, nix It was really quite tragic So I gave up my magic At least I am still turning tricks. ---------------------- No more mate to fellate me My ex-girlfriend was taken aback - Said it's sick if she'd suck on my sack Though a sec with my sock Would relieve my poor cock I'm now left not a lass, but a lack. ---------------------- No two ways about it When I leave them, the girls want me knowing That they gave me an adequate blowing That way they can say That they blew me away At the same time, I'm coming and going. ---------------------- Not child's play An Elmo doll made with a dick'll Have the factory put in a pickle Said the boss, in a funk: "Those with junk, they are junk. I said, 'Twice give the doll a test tickle.'" ---------------------- Not enough dick for a long limerick The timing is quite opportune For an off-color rhyme that’s jejune A short penis joke will Always get a cheap thrill But the verse, like my dick, ends too soon. ---------------------- Not street smart He humped her quite hard; never slowed And later he let loose his load. But then, they were struck By an oncoming truck They shouldn't have forked in the road. ---------------------- Nothing down under I reckon it’s time I regale ya’ With a tale ‘bout a man from Australia He cheated on his wife So she picked up her knife And she left him without genitalia. ---------------------- Old Faithful There once was an elderly miser Who chose to squat down on a geyser But as she was crappin' A strange thing did happen Hot water shot up to surprise her. ---------------------- One for the road There once was an old man who died His widow we found by his side She politely implored us "Since he's got rigor mortis, Would you please let me have one last ride?" ---------------------- Oral fixation A young alcoholic named Vic Bared it all with his therapist, Rick After meeting this queer He would give up the beer But he now is addicted to dick. ---------------------- Pasta sauce to follow There once was a couple named Sweeney He licked clit while she sucked on his weenie And her crabs, they joined hands And made sixty-nine strands You could say it was cunnilinguini. ---------------------- Pig in a blanket There once was a frisky old fop For a whore he decided to shop So this horny old heel Tried copping a feel ‘Til he found he was feeling a cop. ---------------------- Pining for prairie pussy There once was a man from Saskatchewan Who thought he could get all the snatch he'd want He went to Regina In search of vagina But left there without ever catching one. ---------------------- Poopoo platter I really could not tell you why This fellow would choose to comply. I'd have thought it was best To ignore this request But he didn't. 'Twas "Eat shit and die." ---------------------- Quality jollity A nerd sitting out in the sun Was observing an orgy for fun He found that the ratio Of sex to fellatio Was right around seven to one ---------------------- Risen in prison Now here is a story in rhyme Of a man who committed a crime He once was unclear But he found out he's queer When his cellmate gave him a hard time. ---------------------- Saddle up! A young girl with her hair in a braid Led her beau to a barn to get laid And her lover (of course) He was hung like a horse And he came with such force that he neighed. ---------------------- Shit head Well, only the skankiest whore'll Do anal before doing oral If you do this, you taste Your own bodily waste Butt first, it's completely immoral. ---------------------- Silent but deadly I’m a fart of a terrible blend I’m offensive to all who attend I’m the cheese that gets cut Of the jokes, I’m the butt I’ll leave quietly, out the rear end. ---------------------- Taking on all comers There once was a woman named Julie Whose sex drive was really unruly From the bold and the nervous Her cervix got service She'd have sex with anyone. Truly. ---------------------- The Amazing Race Some gay men and lesbians raced And the lesbians finished first place While the men, they admit, Were still packing their shit, 69 was the lesbians’ pace. ---------------------- The good ones are taken or gay There once was a woman named Kate Who I thought I'd ask out on a date But I failed on that front 'Cause she's crazy for cunt So I went home to masturbate. ---------------------- The short straw I know of a fellow named Nick Who has the world's tiniest dick Though he can, in a pinch Make it stretch to an inch He is better advised to go lick. ---------------------- The writing's on her wall It's a policy we can't afford Wasting money and lives - it's abhorred! So make love and not war As the saying goes, for In the penis, more might than the sword. ---------------------- This one really gets my goat Well I know of a man, quite complex Who cannot find a woman for sex Since his chance is remote He grabs hold of a goat And won't care if a witness objects ---------------------- Turning Twix "Oh, Henry", says Candy, the whore She Snickers, "Would you like to Skor? For a modest PayDay You'll have your Milky Way." But his Aero has hurt her; she's sore. ---------------------- ---------------------- Wang slang A prick, or a dick, or a dong A wand, anaconda, or schlong If it's doubly balled Then whatever it's called Doesn't matter, as long as it's long. ---------------------- Whiskey dick I’m a hunk in a funk when I’m drunk Who’da thunk it? My junk, it has shrunk It won’t even unfurl So I can’t get a girl Now I’m sunk – can’t spelunk in my bunk. ---------------------- Wordy, but dirty I'm a writer of poems disgusting Full of fucking and sucking and lusting But what can I say That's the limerick way So my verses don't need much adjusting. --------------------- Worlds apart Though budget concerns may constrain us Missions to other worlds entertain us Though some say it’s stupider To send men to Jupiter I’d rather go there than Uranus. ---------------------- To write a good limerick ain’t hard It should often leave listeners scarred It is usually sick, Mentions ass, twat, or dick, And the last line will catch them off guard. ---------------------- I attempted with all of my heart To hold in a really loud fart But oh, though I tried To keep it inside It came out my asshole, but in parts. ---------------------- You might think the rich have it made They love power, are pleased to get paid Though these things are their thirst They are not what comes first For their ultimate goal’s to get laid. ---------------------- To the doctor I walked a kilometer Took my temperature, made me a vomiter When it got near my tongue It tasted like bung - He gave me a rectal thermometer! ---------------------- Jack and Jill one day went up a hill Her gown ripped while they searched for a still Which they found, full of whiskey Although it was risky Young Jack, who was frisky, ate Jill. ---------------------- ---------------------- ---------------------- There was a young virgin, Lenore Who’d never before had a score When given the dildo She wan’t too thrilled. Oh, She didn’t know what it was for. ---------------------- A young guitar tutor, none finer Had a student, a bit of a whiner When the student had failed The tutor was jailed The charge was he'd fingered A minor. ---------------------- It happens more often than planned Every day, she grabs hold of my gland But it's obvious she Does not satisfy me For my "girlfriend", you see, is my hand. ---------------------- ---------------------- ---------------------- ---------------------- ---------------------- |
Not MineThere once was a man from Fort Worth
The dirtiest bastard on earth He dog-fucked his brother And knocked up his mother And chucked up his sister’s afterbirth. ---------------------- There once was a girl named Alice Who used a dynamite stick for a phallus They found her vagina In North Carolina And her asshole at Buckingham Palace. ---------------------- There once was a young man named Dave Who kept a dead whore in a cave I gotta admit That she smelled like shit But think of the money he saved. ---------------------- There was a young lady from Exeter So lovely that men craned their necks at her A man so depraved Disgustingly waved The distinguishing part of his sex at her. ---------------------- There once was a vampire named Mabel Whose periods were very unstable And every full moon She whipped out a spoon And drank herself under the table. ---------------------- There once was a man from Bel Air While screwing his wife on the stair The banister broke So he doubled his stroke And he finished her off in mid-air. ---------------------- There once was a pirate named Bates Who was goofing around with his mates He fell on his cutlass Which rendered him nutless And perfectly useless on dates. ---------------------- A Scotsman named Angus McLeod Thought he was quite well endowed He’d oft lift his kilt To show how he was built No matter how unreceptive the crowd. ---------------------- The limerick form is complex Its contents run chiefly to sex It burgeons with virgins And masculine urgins And swarms with erotic effects. ---------------------- There once was a whore from Peru Who filled up her pussy with glue She said with a grin “If they pay to get in Then they‘ll pay to get out of it too.” ---------------------- There once was a man on a bender On a whim, put his dick in a blender It shredded to pieces Like a mower to feces And now no one knows the man’s gender. ---------------------- There once was a fellow named Rick, Who performed an incredible trick. With careful gyrations, To standing ovations, He'd balance himself on his dick! ---------------------- There once was a young man from Wheeling Who pulled on his meat with great feeling He’d lie on his back While stroking his sack And swallow the drops from the ceiling. ---------------------- There once was a man from Iraq Who had holes down the length of his cock When he got an erection He could play a selection From Johann Sebastian Bach. ---------------------- There once was a man named Bill Whose penis was shaped like a quill With his fabulous dink He can squirt purple ink And decorate lampshades at will. ---------------------- A baker who liked baking bread Said she much preferred giving head But when you explode She won’t swallow your load She fills all the cream-sticks instead. ---------------------- In convertibles she was quite brash, When she put her feet up on the dash. As a trucker drove by, Her bare crotch caught his eye, And four people were killed in the crash. ---------------------- A new farmer's helper, quite dull Accidentally was milking a bull The farmer said, "Boy yer dumb, You done milked the wrong one!" Said the boy,"But me whole bucket's full." ---------------------- There was a young sailor from Brighton, Who said to his girl, "You're a tight one." She replied, "Bless my soul, You're in the wrong hole; There's plenty of room in the right one." ---------------------- While I sat with the Duchess, at tea, She inquired: "Do you fart when you pee?" I replied "Not a bit. Do you belch when you shit?" And I felt that was one point to me. ---------------------- I invited an old whore to tea And as we were discussing her fee She gave me a shock When she pulled out her cock And announced she would fuck me for free. ---------------------- A mortician who practised in Fife Made love to the corpse of his wife. "How could I know, Judge? She was cold, did not budge-- Just the same as she'd acted in life." ---------------------- There was a young man from Cape Horn, who wished he had never been born, he wouldn’t have been, if his father had seen, that the end of his condom was torn! ---------------------- There once was a man from Pompei, who fashioned a snatch out of clay, the heat from his prick, turned the clay into brick, and tore all his foreskin away. ---------------------- There was a young man from Savannah, who met his end in a curious manner, he whittled a hole, in a telephone pole, and electrified his banana. ---------------------- There once was a fellow O’Doole, Who found little red spots on his tool, His doctor a cynic, Said "Get out of me clinic, And wipe off that lipstick you fool!" ---------------------- There once was a barmaid named Gail, On her chest tattooed the price of ale, And on her behind, For the sake of the blind, Was the same information in Braille. ---------------------- There was a young lady of Norway Who hung by her feet from the doorway She said to her beau, “Come over here, Joe, I think I’ve discovered one more way.” ---------------------- There once was a man from Pawtucket Who stuck his poor dick in a socket Some son of a bitch Went and flipped on the switch And off went his dick like a rocket. ---------------------- There once was a young man named Bruno Who said, "Screwing's one thing I do know. While women are fine, And sheep are divine, The llamas are numero uno!" ---------------------- A soldier known only as Sarge, Had sex with a hooker named Marge, Though only a grunt, He assaulted her cunt, And gave her an honorable discharge. ---------------------- I once knew a lass from Tacoma, Whose twat had a wondrous aroma, When the lads took a whiff, About half would get stiff, And the rest would fall into a coma. ---------------------- There once was a man from Nantucket Who took a pig in a thicket to fuck it The pig said with a sneer "Stay away from my rear; Come around to the front and I'll suck it." ---------------------- One day a young lady named Flo, Was approached by a dwarf for a blow. In disgust she replied, "Your request is denied. I don't think I could stoop quite that low." ---------------------- The once was a young man from Kent Whose tool was so long that it bent To save himself trouble He folded it double And instead of coming, he went. ---------------------- A gay guy who lived in Khartoum Took a lesbian up to his room, And they argued all night Over who had the right To do what and with which and to whom. ---------------------- I'm sorry, but this thing must cease Your lover is really a beast Now let's make this clear It's all right that you're queer But let's stick to the humans, at least. ---------------------- There was a young dentist, Malone Who had a girl patient alone But in his depravity Filled the wrong cavity God, how his practice has grown! ---------------------- We all know that tampons are spongy And often times get rather grungy But why they have strings Among other things Is so that the crabs can all bungee. ---------------------- An accident really uncanny, Befell an unfortunate granny. She sat down in a chair While her false teeth were there, And she bit herself right in the fanny! ---------------------- There once was a man named Sir Lancelot When he went to parties he'd dance a lot When making a pass At a pretty young lass The front of his pants would advance a lot! ---------------------- I wonder what Christmas will be, No merriment, good cheer or glee. Now that Santa's arrested, Because someone protested, That he laid some doll under their tree. ---------------------- There once was a girl named Celeste Who often would practice incest She said to her brother While under the covers "You're good, but father knows best." ---------------------- There once was a blind man named Lake, Whose eyeballs were totally fake. Still, he was quite deft At finding the cleft Of a girl with his old one-eyed snake. ---------------------- A man's unreliable wand, Didn't keep him from wooing a blond. But their date, it was tragic, His wand had no magic, Stayed flaccid so they couldn't bond. ---------------------- A remarkable fellow named Jones, Could reduce any maiden to moans, By technical knowledge, Acquired in college, Of fourteen erogenous zones. ---------------------- There was an old uncle named Sid, Who would do as his nieces would bid, Read a story 'fore bed, By which author he said, Uncle Remus they cried so he did! ---------------------- A young lady with features cherubic Was famed for her area pubic When asked, "What's its size?" She replied in surprise Do you mean in square feet or in cubic? ---------------------- There once was a jolly old bloke Who picked up a girl for a poke. He took down her pants, Fucked her into a trance, And then shit in her shoe for a joke. ---------------------- There once was a girl named McGoffin Who was diddled exceedingly often. She was rogered by scores Who’d been turned down by whores, And was finally screwed in her coffin. ---------------------- If incontinence causes neurosis And intercourse causes thrombosis I’d rather expire Fulfilling desire Than live in a state of psychosis. ---------------------- A fellow from Chicopee, Mass. Rejected another man’s pass. He felt some attraction, But knew that the action Might well prove a pain in the ass. ---------------------- ---------------------- ---------------------- ---------------------- ---------------------- ---------------------- ---------------------- |