Butchering the blessed bovines.
MineA theological question
If what the Good Book says is true Well then I have a question for you Jesus said for my labor As myself love my neighbor Must I therefore jerk him off too? ---------------------- Abstinence my ass! When young girls take the Bible's words literally They take vows of chastity, bitterly But they locate a loophole Pushing pricks through their poop hole Though they'll never take any cock clitorally. ---------------------- Adult Sunday School lesson Mary Magdalene was alone in her tent With a man she said was heaven-sent And Jesus was blunt Stuck his cock up her cunt When she screamed “O God”, that’s what she meant. A jealous man, Peter grew sadder For his peter was longer and fatter Jesus called him “the rock” For the size of his cock But to Mary, it just didn’t matter. So that is why Peter denied him Despite all of the years spent beside him With the Lord in a tomb He could enter her womb If she ever consented to ride him Then one morning, while breaking the bread At last she agreed to give head But then, just as he feared That’s when Jesus appeared That bastard just wouldn’t stay dead. But for Peter all hope was not lost One day all inhibitions were tossed All who they were among Found the gift of their tongue On that glorious day of Pentecost. ---------------------- Extending his services There once was a pastor named Sims Whose services ran by his whims But that isn't explaining Why his wife's complaining He always does so many hims. ---------------------- Getting off To me, it won't cease to amaze How a priest's not policed for his ways When he buggers boys' butts? Reassignment. That's nuts! And the priest, he still preaches, and preys. ---------------------- Heathen! To the few that I knew in the pew Who aren't too much enthused with this view I agree on the odds Against all other gods But conclude there's one fewer than you. ---------------------- Is "off" a TV channel? With some theists I have a big beef They insist non-belief's a belief So here is the ath- Eist statement of faith: We don't have it. Stop giving us grief! ---------------------- Look somewhere else An alien dude and his wife Heard that Earth with smart humans was rife They conducted their search At the Westboro church But they found no intelligent life. ---------------------- Sectual tensions There once was a Catholic priest And the boy who objected the least Though the boy deconverted His anus still hurted The ass-fucking never had ceased. When he heard this, a Protestant pastor, Who made similar use of his blaster, Said “Although it’s a sin, I can’t let that priest win!” So he ass-fucked the little boy faster. ---------------------- The end is nah A man once predicted the rapture Many gullible minds did he capture Though the bible says Jesus Will come when he pleases Do I think the whole thing's full of crap? Sure! ---------------------- The "Good Book" ain't always reliable Its claims often unverifiable So with this in mind How then can I find Any reason to trust in the Bible? ---------------------- There once was a horny old minister Whose intentions were evil and sinister His victim was raped And bound and duct taped And he didn't let up till he finished her. ---------------------- There once was a man whose psychology Led him to accept a theology He swore it was true But between me and you I think it's just bovine proctology. ---------------------- I’ll warn you (a word to the wise) It’s prob’ly not prudent to prize That offense which is chief – The unquestioned belief Upon which all religion relies. ---------------------- ‘Cause we’re frankly afraid to offend Our judgment we have to suspend They’re attacking to scare us In Beirut and Paris But not for their faith, we pretend. We will still with this evil contend For as long as we can’t comprehend That religion is toxic (And oft paradoxic) Excuses will not make it end. ---------------------- I’m going to make this my vow: To party for Lent – oh, and how! For the fast goes by fast When you’re having a blast And so now I say “ciao” to my chow. ---------------------- At Mt. Sinai, while leading the Jews, it Seemed that Moses was fixin' to lose it Now he's calm and serene With a shot of caffeine How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it! ---------------------- ---------------------- ---------------------- |
Not MineIt’s said of the bishop of Birmingham
That he screws the young boys while confirming them As they kneel before God He whips out his rod And he pumps his Episcopal sperm in them. ---------------------- There were two young ladies of Birmingham, And this is the story concerning 'em; They lifted the frock And diddled the cock Of the Bishop as he was confirming 'em. The Bishop was nobody's fool -- He'd been to a large public school; He took down his britches And diddled those bitches With a twelve-inch Episcopal tool. But that didn't bother those two; They said as the Bishop withdrew; "Oh, the Vicar is quicker And thicker and slicker And longer and stronger than you." ---------------------- There once was a minister’s daughter Who hated the pony he bought her 'Til she found that its dong Was as hard and as long As the prayers that her father had taught her. ---------------------- There once was a nun from Siberia, Who was born with a virgin interior, Until a young monk, Jumped into her bunk, And now she’s a mother superior. ---------------------- There was a young vicar called Bings Who talked of religion and things But his secret desire Was a boy in the choir With a bottom like jelly on springs. ---------------------- A virgin who lived in Cape Cod Thought babies all came from God But 'twas not the almighty Who lifted her nightie But Roger the lodger, the sod. ---------------------- From the Pope to the souls in the pews, The whole Church is aghast at the news: It appears Father Ives Has had seventeen wives But declines to tell congregants whose. ---------------------- A punk who was drunk stole a skunk From the junk in the trunk of a monk. He was soon in bad odour, So he rightly bestowed her On the monk in a funk, whom she stunk. ---------------------- In the garden of Eden sat Adam, Massaging the bust of his madam, He chuckled with mirth, For he knew that on earth, There were only two boobs and he had 'em. ---------------------- There once was a horny young Jew Who was vainly attempting to screw. His wife screamed "Oy vey, If you keep up this way, The Messiah will come before you." ---------------------- There was a young girl of Gibraltar Who was raped as she knelt at the altar. It really seems odd That a virtuous God Should answer her prayers and assault her. ---------------------- A crusader’s wife slipped from the garrison And had an affair with a Saracen. She was not oversexed, Or jealous or vexed, She just wanted to make a comparison. ---------------------- ---------------------- ---------------------- ---------------------- |