Some spotless solitary stanzas.
MineA palling behavior
A criminal's kill count increased In an area strongly policed Since he, hearing the cop As he hollered out "Stop!" Did not cease or desist, he's deceased. ---------------------- A sinking feeling There once was a man who was manic He captained the vessel “Titanic” When an iceberg he’d clip He would shout “Holey ship!” And the passengers fled in a panic. ---------------------- An uncommon limerick I tell you, to give you some clarity Most limericks are filled with vulgarity But this one is clean If you know what I mean And in that sense it's really a rarity. ---------------------- Bet you did Nazi this coming The Fuhrer was shrewd and gregarious But his schemes were extremely nefarious Still the Nazis are fun To lampoon in a pun They're unkampfortable, but hitlerious. ---------------------- Foot in mouth disease A fellow, out fishing one night Was hoping his bait got a bite But his catch (to be cute) Was a soggy old boot And the kicker? It didn’t taste right. ---------------------- For my dad This limerick is for my dad As a role model, greatest I've had I'm glad that my father Was willing to bother To help me through life, good and bad. ---------------------- Getting down and dirty I know of a fellow named Joe Who is proud of his garden, although His wife, she will tell us She’s really quite jealous – He spends all his time with his hoe. ---------------------- I can't win I hate shopping. Adrift, what to buy There’s no stopping for thrift, price too high Just to give her a lift I deliver my gift Now she’s hopping mad, miffed, so I cry. ---------------------- It drives me to drink "What a waste! There's no taste in it!" Jeez, Put a cork in it, wouldn't you, please? It is really not fine When you whine about wine Tell me, sir, are you cheesed about cheese? ---------------------- My farewell verse In case you don’t know it by now I’m leaving, but I don’t know how To say it. I’ll try I’m no good at goodbye So in lieu of “adieu”, I’ll say “Ciao!” ---------------------- No hoof on your roof It’s realized – Santa’s worst fear; The reindeer are striking this year. Fatigue was a factor, So he bought a tractor, For nothing can run like a Deere. ---------------------- Not appreciated in his time There once was a man, quite unbalanced, Refining his limerick talents A sensational poet, And the whole world would know it, But he can’t get the last line to rhyme. ---------------------- Off the rails There once was a man, Donald J. In a line, as he heard a voice say, “You are getting a brain.” What he heard, though, was “train” So he left to get out of the way. ---------------------- Older, wiser, super-sizer I've spent 34 years here on Earth And I've grown a whole lot since my birth I'm becoming more sage As I'm adding more age But I'm mostly just adding more girth. ---------------------- Star-struck A spaceship commander, imperious Passing objects both known and mysterious Caught a glimpse from afar Of an uncommon star Which would cause him to say "You're not Sirius." ---------------------- The deadliest catch There once was a man from The Hague So filthy his stench made you gag Thought his doc was a quack When he said he had plaque He misheard him; he died from the plague. ---------------------- This is acute one “The hypotenuse,” he would opine, “Should connect to each right-angled line.” My geometry prof Would proceed to go off On a tangent on cosine and sine. ---------------------- Unsootable ash-wipe It’s clear that I haven’t a clue How to clean out a chimney. It’s true; When I tried, it instead Just collapsed on my head. Now I’m laid up in bed from the flue. ---------------------- Webbed MD Said the patient, “Your treatments, they suck And my symptoms have all run amok Furthermore, you’re a quack!” And the doc replied back “I should hope so. You see, I’m a duck.” ---------------------- You Might Be a Redneck... The hunter went out with his daughter He thought it was time that he taught her So she said "Sure, I'm game!" He then turned and took aim With his gun, pulled the trigger, and shot her! ---------------------- If you think that your life is a mess 'Cause you fixate, you dwell, you obsess Then you'll find, in a hurry Your mind filled with worry You're really just stressed about stress. ---------------------- We, as bakers of bread, have agreed That the following phrase is our creed: It’s in needing to know What to do with our dough We would not without knowing to knead. ---------------------- We’re all graduates. Everyone passes! Though we sleepwalked through all of our classes As the final bell rings We’ve not learned any things Now we’re out in the world – on our asses! ---------------------- The electron just wouldn’t behave They were shocked by the data it gave Said the scientists, “Shit! How’d it go through each slit?” It’s a particle; also a wave.” ---------------------- I have failed, for I don't pay attention To a thing that the teacher would mention But today, I believe I'm about to receive My diploma - and also my pension. ---------------------- The American Dream: To achieve it You must work very hard to receive it They deliver this lie With a brief lullaby For you must be asleep to believe it. ---------------------- I'm boasting a brilliant beard Though some people say that it's weird In the hair a small bird Made a home.. In a word It's a nest, I've inferred, as I feared. ---------------------- In a limerick, don't use a line twice For it's lazy; just once will suffice It's bad form, which I hate So let me restate In a limerick, don't use a line twice. ---------------------- The troops came and told me the score About why they were fighting the war: “We make war, since you wonder, For pillage and plunder.” I said “You’re corrupt!” to the corps. ---------------------- A fellow named Homer had woes Which he’d drown in his liquor at Moe’s Were his troubles so large That he couldn’t tell Marge? He’s a man of a million d’ohs. ---------------------- My limericks suffer a curse They’re confined to accentual verse I have twelve or thirteen Which are reasonably clean But the rest are decidedly worse. ---------------------- I hate my dishwashing machine My dishes, they never come clean They don't look like new After I put them through They're as dirty as ever they've been. ---------------------- In the spring, all my seeds I disperse I grow peas, but my carrots are worse I have onions, tomatoes Cucumbers, potatoes In this garden variety verse. ---------------------- You might think Americans dumber When they consume booze, in the summer But they really hit bottom When they vote, in the autumn For everyone else, it's a bummer. ---------------------- They’re taking their time, and I worry Whose favor do I have to curry? I would hate to be late For my date – I can’t wait! O God, grant me patience, but hurry! ---------------------- |
Not MineThere once was a (person) from (place)
Whose (body part) was (special case) When (event) would occur It would cause (him or her) To violate (law of time/space). ---------------------- There once was a man from the sticks Who loved to compose limericks But he failed at his sport They were always too short --- ---------------------- There once was a small, juicy orange …doggone it! ---------------------- If you catch a chinchilla in Chile And cut off its beard, willy-nilly You can honestly say That you have just made A Chilean chinchilla's chin chilly ---------------------- A tutor who tooted the flute Tried to tutor two tooters to toot Said the two to the tutor “Is it tougher to toot or To tutor two tooters to toot?” ---------------------- A poet whose friends called him Steve Once showed quite a will to achieve His skill grew so strong That his poems grew long And he sadly was forced to abbrev. ---------------------- Rob, an odd fellow, designs Poems of equal length lines And he limericks with flair As his forethought and care Ensure a word count of 3 9s (each line is 27 characters long, and the limerick is 27 words long) ---------------------- There once was an X from place B, That satisfied predicate P, He or she did thing A, In an adjective way, Resulting in circumstance C. ---------------------- A remarkable bird is the pelican. Its mouth can hold more than its belly can It can hold in its beak Enough food for a week. I’m damned if I know how the hell he can ---------------------- A flea and a fly in a flue Were imprisoned there, what could they do? Said the fly, "Let us flee" "Let us fly", said the flea So they flew through a flaw in the flue. ---------------------- No woodsman would cut a wood, would he If woods would be woodless – nor should he. Yet no woodcutter would Cut a woody-wood wood If no woodsmen cut woody woods, would he? ---------------------- There was a young lady named Bright Who could travel much faster than light. She took off one day, In a relative way, And returned on the previous night. ---------------------- There once was a man with a hernia Who said to his doctor, “Gol dern ya, When you work on my middle Be sure you don’t fiddle With things that are not to concern ya.” ---------------------- ---------------------- ---------------------- |