Limericks of more than one stanza which don't belong anywhere else.
The Schitt List
Some people just haven't a clue Has anyone said this to you While throwing a fit? "Well, you don't know Jack Schitt!" I know Jack, and his family too.
We begin the day O. Schitt met Awe He, at Kneedeep & Schitt, practiced law As a senior advisor She sold fertilizer Their marriage, well, no one foresaw
But, of charm, young O. Schitt had no lack Before long, he had Awe in the sack In predictable fashion The result of their passion Was a young little Schitt, name of Jack
Jack Schitt wed a woman named Noe And six children on him she'd bestow They were very religious And their love life, prodigious I will tell of the children below
Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Then Bull Schitt and the twins would be it The twins, Deap and Dip Were joined at the hip (No, not literally), but close-knit
Deap's choice of the man she had wed Well, he wasn't quite right in the head And a bit of a bum But this fellow, named Dumb Went and took on her surname instead.
But it wasn't just Dumb to do that For it happened with Holie and Bat And their child, name of Ape Left the couple agape For he'd rage at the drop of a hat
Dip Schitt met a girl, Loda Dung And she thought he was cute, and well-hung So they wed, had a kid Maybe sorry they did For the child, Chicken Schitt, was high-strung
Well, the young men lost all hope of bedding Either Fulla or Giva. Upsetting! But the girls lost their poise Near the cute Happens boys So they had a Schitt-Happens joint wedding
And between them, the two had three boys They'd run wild, and would make lots of noise And the children, of course They were Byrd, Dawg, and Hoarse Always making a mess with their toys
Bull Schitt had applied for a visa Saw the pyramids standing at Giza After visiting Rome He then came back home With a towering woman named Pisa
After fifteen years Jack and Noe split Jack, in Wertha, found more of a fit When she asked about Noe Jack would say, "She's fine, though In the bedroom, she's not Wertha Schitt!"
Mr. Sherlock, though forty and bald Courted Noe and he kept her enthralled When they wed, she had stated Her name, hyphenated Noe Schitt-Sherlock, she is now called
There it is, the entire Schitt clan You now know every woman and man Anytime you are hit With "You don't know Jack Schitt!" You will prove them all wrong, for you can.
Dump Team Trump
The pick of Vice-President Pence At first doesn't make any sense But if Trump's in a hearse Perhaps Pence would be worse And therein lies the Donald's defense
The old propagandist, Steve Bannon Is, much like the prez, a loose cannon His boss is the brashest And fearlessly fascist A pawn for pursuing his plan in
There's the press secretary, Sean Spicer Who I wish was more honest, and nicer But he lies for a living Which I'm not forgiving Would telling the truth be conciser?
Trump's team needs to go quite a long way "Alternative facts" are the wrong way This regime is a fraud And it seems rather odd It's a clue that their counselor's "Con"way.
If you're asking me to diagnose The appointment of Betsy DeVos Well, I think it's a bummer The kids will be dumber Her qualifications? Not close.
I don't like Trump's AG pick, Jeff Sessions He'll commit a whole host of transgressions His idea of justice Would surely disgust us He should begin making confessions.
And last but not least, there's the Don From the start he's been putting us on When he's done with this scam He is going to scram Although, sadly, the rest won't be gone.
A guy took a girl on a date And she thought he was really first-rate She could see he was hard But she thought he'd regard Her too low if she'd blow him; he'd wait
On the night that the couple was wed She asked what he wanted in bed So he asked for a blow But she said "You'll have no Respect for me if I give you head"
After ten years, as he stood erect His proposal she had to reject "You have done me no wrong But if I suck your dong Then I know I will lose your respect"
Even still, after twenty long years His kind treatment had not calmed her fears For a stand she found moral She wouldn't do oral Though he pleaded, and sometimes in tears
Then at last, when she thought that she knew him She got down on her knees and she blew him When the phone rang, he said it "Cocksucker, go get it" So never again would she do him. ---------------------- The Vagina Monologues
A gay man whose hair was quite bushy Knew everyone called him a wuss. He Had resilience resounding Took plenty of pounding (Not so much unlike your mom's pussy)
A lady who's laid a whole lot With no condom, wll wish she had not If you let them all hit Without covering it Then you're simply a twit with a twat
I think I may have to be blunt For a woman thinks it's an affront With this word thrust upon her To me, there is honor In having (not being) a cunt
My woman and I are a match She is an incredible catch And the sex is just right (Though a little bit tight) So I always will snatch at her snatch
I'll date her, I'll wine her, I'll dine her But to fuck her, my friend, nothing's finer Though something smells fishy No straight man would wish he Weren't balls deep inside her vagina. ---------------------- When magic turns tragic
A cowboy one day set up camp And nearby was a dirty old lamp When he rubbed it, a djinn Was released from within So he figured his looks he'd revamp
With his first wish he sought to replace His old mug with a handsome new face With this marvelous mask He just needed to ask And the women would wildly embrace
For his second, he wished to be strong And the cowboy was ripped before long For the genie did hustle To give him some muscle That done, he moved on to his dong
To the genie, with powers enchanted The cowboy dismounted and ranted "It's my third wish, of course To be hung like this horse!" Said the genie, "Your wish, it is granted."
When you wish from a genie, take care You may get what you wish for, beware! He was shocked what the genie Had done to his weenie You see, he'd been riding the mare. ----------------------
Battle of the Sexes
We men may be physically stronger But women can go for far longer Not having coition Both if their position Is right, or their argument’s wronger
For the male mind, it's easy to read it And they know fully well that we need it They'll be all out of joint While we're making our point Right up to the time we concede it
Sorry, men, our predicament's drearier It appears that they're clearly superior Much to all our chagrin Seems we men cannot win If we want to be in her interior.
A treat you can't eat
When it's done, or complete, or is whole Is it comical, funny, or droll? You decide, or you choose With opinions, or views If you'll praise, or applaud, or extol
My objective, or endgame, or goal Is to give, or deliver, or dole And I think, or believe What you'll get, or receive Is each line as a synonym roll. ---------------------- Bowflex no-flex
Every week, a new training routine On a fancy newfangled machine And a bloke for a witness Who spoke for its fitness To make me all muscled and lean
But it never gets used, to my shame Overfed and abused is my frame It's a matter of fat (I'm an adder of that) So don't get too enthused, I'm the same. ---------------------- Homophonic slurs?
If belonging to it, then it's its People's writing is giving me fits They're confusing their "there" And it's everywhere This is not what good writing permits
Also, "your" is mistaken for "you're" A mistake I've seen often before Some, with "lose", they are "loose" "Then" for "than" is misuse Let me tell you, I can't take much more. ---------------------- Pick your poison
So if the US elects Hillary There's plenty to pick from to pillory Lots of money she'll spend There's not much she'll amend And I'll have to attend a distillery.
But if the US elects Trump (A man with his head up his rump) And gives him that power Atop a tall tower I'll sob for an hour, then jump. ---------------------- Precipitation exasperation
The rain once was canine and feline While everyone else made a beeline For the door, I stood, witless For I was scared shitless But in my pants I made a pee line.
Even so, I was not prepared when The rain became stranger, again Thought some girls would be nice (Not of sugar, but spice) But no dice, for it’s just raining men. ---------------------- Scratch that idea
I decided that I'd take a chance In an effort to try to enhance The amount of good cheer To ring in the new year I put mistletoe into my pants
Though my actions were bold and quite brash No one noticed or batted a lash So all I had to show From that damn mistletoe Was a rather embarrassing rash. ---------------------- Season's treason
A duck and a rabbit? What luck! A dilemma – poor Elmer is stuck Some believe that Bugs Bunny Was fiendishly funny To say it’s the season for duck.
But I reckon the rabbit’s a schmuck If you sell out your friend, then you suck Shots flew past the duck’s head Should he drop and play dead? What I’d do is tell Daffy to duck. ---------------------- The best costume
At my costume, the town stared, agape Of a man likely guilty of rape I'm rich and I'm whiny My hands, they are tiny My hair looks like that of an ape
And my face wears a permanent grump For my dick is, quite simply, a stump So I'm woefully wussy I grab by the pussy You guessed it, I'm Donald J. Trump. ---------------------- As I waited, I soon fell asleep And I quickly was counting those sheep Though it beat masturbating I tired of waiting The line for this lady ran deep.
I awoke with a start from my slumber As the call-girl was calling my number And her cunt, in a minute From when I went in it Was coming around my cucumber. ---------------------- A man who had once made a list Of all of the girls he has kissed Had now, as his aim To ignite an old flame; He was going to try for a tryst.
His advances were quickly dismissed; When he asked them, they only got pissed. And now he is lonely; It’s him and him only And all he has left is his wrist. ---------------------- It's a wonderful day to orgasm For my pole, or her hole, just to spasm This most tawdry of talk Makes me hard as a rock How i'd love my big cock in her chasm!
But i'm sat, in my home, on my own So i'll just have to fix it alone Though you may think it gross I am really quite close As i'm working my bone to the bone. ---------------------- The males of our species, you see Are obsessed about sex, even me So it must be asserted All men are perverted The question is just of degree
I don't care if you're gay or you're straight For this matter's not up for debate So it needs to be said We all think with THAT head I assure you, all men can relate. ----------------------